Day 7 – 31 July 2017

08:19
I am out walking the dogs, and I hear the copyright information on Audible for The Case Against Sugar. Thank g’d I am done with that damn book. At least I won’t hear about sugar the next time I go on a walk. As Amy Poehler stated, “Good for you, not for me.”

11:33
I spent the morning writing, and I have not done any work. Fuck, fuck. I have to focus and get some work done. Love my job, hate the paper work.

15:31
I just remembered: “American Ninja Warrior” is on the television tonight. I love that show. I totally want to be a ninja. [Insert eyeroll from The Hub here.]

Evening
I am sad and anxious. Some of the patients that I have seen today are truly struggling. I am processing two sessions in particular, analyzing my every move and asking if it were the right intervention at the right time. I know deeply that there is no “right” thing to do as a psychotherapist (except in areas mandated by ethics or the law). My possible failures as a “good enough” therapist provide an opportunity for my patients to get angry and process all the times that others have failed them; however, the questions still roll like a fog over my mind.

20:38
I am late leaving the office and tired. There likely will not be time for all that I want to do: reply to my meditation instructor’s email, meditate and watch “American Ninja Warrior”. I know that the last item is silly, but I like to dream that one day I could do some of those things. There was a man who competed in his 60s this year …

21:58
Our young dog stands by the door and looks at me. These are the moments in a marriage: give or take. The Hub has worked all night on preparing dinner for the following day, so I pop up and slowly grab the leads. We walk the streets that are surprisingly quiet, and I feel time slipping away. I want to debit my sleep account.

22:28
The Hub and I crawl into bed. My smart phone lingers in my hand, and I can feel the pull to read – The New York Times, The Washington Post, Politico, Celebitchy, the day’s horoscope. I have not even completed the day’s word game. I consider the alternative to my Treatment Plan but know that the backlit device will stimulate my retinal nerves, and sleep vanish by the hour. I need to set my phone down and do so reluctantly, feeling like I’m missing out.

 

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