Day 6 – 30 July 2017

05:25
I wake up before my alarm, before our young dog. Holy sleep hygiene, Batman! I officially am one of those crazy people “who doesn’t need an alarm”. After one week. I take the young dog out and return to bed with the family – The Hub and the dogs. Despite seven hours of sleep, I am still tired. I read in bed until my fitness class.

07:47
You know that moment when you’re working really hard in a fitness class and you feel your muscles burning from effort but you really just want to punch the instructor in the face? Yes, that.

09:05
I love B, my mediation instructor. She is the most amazing person. At 20 years younger than me, I am jealous of her wisdom, her patience, her deep knowing. She is such a gift. B asks me to look for “synchronicity” this week. Aware that she likely is not referring to the album by The Police, I have to Google the term.

09:12
I find my family still in bed, and I am anxious. I made The Hub go to bed with me at 10:30 the previous evening, and he as not happy. Not one bit. I wonder if I have a mess to clean up or if he appreciates my intentions. Typical of our shared stubbornness, he reluctantly admits that he benefitted from the sleep with a qualifier. Always a qualifier. Being married to someone trained in math is a learned skill. Proceed cautiously.

10:32
We arrive home from walking the dogs and survey the contents of our kitchen cupboards scattered about from yesterday’s “flood”. If we want to eat, we have to deal with this mess, and the previous day has left us gun-shy of restaurants. I set to work, draining years-old expired food goods and washing pots and pans that were used to catch water. I know deeply that this moment would not be occurring if I a) stayed up very late and b) consumed ETOH. I am proud of myself.

13:19
I just cleaned the bathroom sink and toilet. What the fuck is happening? One week into this whole structure thing, and I have time to actually take care of and manage my life. I am both not-so-secretly pleased and secretly annoyed with myself. I work hard to not think about the hours that I have wasted in my life.

Late afternoon
I walk to the Salvation Army with a bag of donations and to the Market for meat and produce. Listening to a book on tape, The Case Against Sugar, has the opposite effect. My brain is just hearing “sugar” and then “sugar” and “sugar” again. I then think of every form of sugar that I love. I am also annoyed with the book for a variety of reasons. I cannot wait for it to end and to eat – you guessed it – sugar. My oppositionality can be such a pain in the ass sometimes. It’s like someone spent an hour telling me what to do, and I automatically think, “Oh, yeah! Try that again!”

19:12
The Hub and I have walked the dogs to the corner tavern and sit outside in the patio. I tell one of our favorite servers that I am just having a soda water. She asks the inevitable question, “Why?” I stated that I have to work later and she asks again, “Are you sure?” I think of all that I accomplished that day and say, “Yep.” It is hard in the moment, but the moment passes. The dogs soak up the sun and attention from other patrons.

20:19
I cue the Netflix to continue a series that we started the previous week and notice that I could give a shit. I am not involved and am on my smart phone. I stop myself, pause the show and stated, “I’m sorry. I can’t watch this now. The TV is yours.” I cannot watch TV sometimes; it just doesn’t garner my attention. I think that’s why I drank ETOH while watching television sometimes – to slow down my brain. The younger dog joins me in bed as I read The Ministry of Utmost Happiness. My body is weary, and I am ready for sleep to come.

 

 

Day 2 – 26 July 2017

07:10
Despite a rough start on day one, I did it! I went to bed at 10:30. My alarm went off at 05:30, and I didn’t want to cut someone. #smallfavors

However, I have work to do this morning. I need to create some type of schedule to accomplish all that I want in a day. Not a list of work appointments or plans – an actual effing schedule with things like – oh, I don’t know – when do I eat? I am excited about this, because I do believe that: 1) it will make following my “Treatment Plan” easier (and I’m all about easier); and 2) it will bring more intention to my days. I’m all about intention these days; more to come …

Oh, and hey, good morning! đŸ™‚

09:22

I was in therapy and mentioned my “Treatment Plan”. Instead of the “Go you!” that I expected, my therapist gave me the internal eye-roll. (I learned from pros.)

“Whatever happened to the ‘good-enough mother’?”, she asked, referring to the work of Douglas Winnicott. I rolled my eyes back at her – not internally.

What she essentially was saying was that I don’t need to be a perfect therapist to help others heal. In practice, failing a patient can produce anger and be as therapeutic as being “perfect”. Is this Plan another ill-fated pursuit of perfectionism for me? I don’t think so … I’m going to have to think about this.

p.s. If she figured this out before me, I am seriously going to be pissed.

12:08
A noon fitness class that I am choosing to leave five minutes early to see a patient in crisis hasn’t started. I immediately feel annoyed and deprived. I HATE RUSHING.  Thank g’d for meditation classes and Headspace. I am able to loosen my grip on my annoyance and anxiety and use the extra time to stretch my hip flexors that are always tight from biking. At least the work of the class burns off most of the emotions. This afternoon feels like one in which I am eking every minute out of it. Ugh.

17:51
I’m going to hang out with a dear friend. We normally split a bottle of Pinot Noir when dining out. O could care less if I drink ETOH or not. However, I am feeling pulled. ETOH – or as I call it, “liquid Xanax” – puts the brakes on my anxiety and work stress. The minute I take a sip, I feel the liquid Xanax muzzle the anxiety, tape its wrists and stow it in the closet. For now. Not tomorrow, when my neurotransmitters ask, “Hey, where’s that ETOH?” as they busy about. FYI: your body AND your brain are both assholes. They love, love homeostasis and work very hard to undo all that we do. Nothing, nothing is without consequence. G’d, I hate being an adult some days.

I recall BrenĂ© Brown’s Ted Talk: when one chooses to use a substance, one does not get to choose what to numb. If I numb my anxiety, I numb my joy, empathy and other emotions. In addition, anxiety might be a really good thing at the end of the night when choosing to hop on the subway, walk home or take a cab. Anxiety can be life-preserving. So, do I really want to wipe all of that away? I love O. They are one of those people who make me feel so good about myself, because they truly love me. Really, really love me. And they show it. That’s friendship gold. Do I really want to numb that?!

Kind of. I know, right?! That’s the pull of ETOH for me. I am fortunate to be very smart (i.e., common sense) and bright (i.e., intelligent), but I also have great difficulties shutting off my brain. I also spend the great majority of time around equally or greater bright people, asking tough questions, pondering important matters and challenging me to be better. When do I stop? The first sip.

I prepared O and told them that I wasn’t drinking ETOH for 365 days. Of course, they responded in their typically non-plussed way. Damn, I love them.

21:00
I almost fall asleep on O’s sofa. W.T.F. Who is this person? I make a strangely adult decision, state that I need to go home and get to bed. I have a bedtime now.

21:07
I am on my way home in a cab when a message comes through from my partner. It’s a picture of one of our dogs in his lap. My heart and face smile. I love my family. I love O. I am very fortunate.